Broken Bernadetta: Send Hugs
by DigiConjurer
Summary: The Bernadetta parts for the Princess!Byleth AU. Requested admission is one hug.
1. Dreaming of Housewife Nightmares

I don't own fire emblem.

Summary: Even though she's far away from her father, Bernadetta still sees it in her head. Thankfully, a certain future emperor and her confidant are more than happy to lend an ear to soothe her worries.

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**Log 8:** **Dreaming of Housewife Nightmares**

Almost every night, the same set of images loops through Bernadetta's head. She's getting ready to go out to do some archery practice and then… 'he' appears. A figure with no name, he grabs hold of her bow and snaps it in half.

"A lady's place is right here. Not out and about shooting sharp pointy things." he announced, smashing the remains of the weapon into her. "Now, be a good little dear and get yourself dressed like a proper lady should."

The dream shifts. She's now in a kitchen, dressed like one of those housewives. What was the word? Stepford. Yeah. Everything seems to be in black and white. The man was nowhere to be found, but that was the least of Bernadetta's worries at the moment. Any source of natural light had been stolen by wood and the door remained shackle. Even the archer was trapped within the feminine garments unchosen by her - a blouse that locked into a long skirt with a set of heels that had padlocks on them. All of which keyed to a device she had been forced to swallow mere minutes before. After all, why else would such a girl dress like something out of the 1950s? She would gladly listen to the or-

Bernadetta's eyes shot open. The archer scrambled for her phone, trying her best to unlock the dang thing in a half-dreary state.

"Please pick up." she muttered and tries to hold the device up to her ear. One ring. Two ring. Three rin-

"Bernadetta?"

Edelgard's voice rushed in like a sweet gentle breeze. The archer took a deep breath, composing herself.

"I had the nightmare again." she whispered, the sound of something slamming into a wall echoing through from the other end. Almost on instinct, Bernadetta grabbed her favorite piranha plant plush - Planty. Yes, she was aware it was a dumb name. But when it's your only possession that made it into the sack come her kidnapping, you take what you can get. He even looked to be in remarkable shape at the moment. A fellow piranha plant to accompany him would be twice as nice though.

"The next time I see your father Bernadetta, I am going to chop off his stupid little head." Edelgard threatened and the archer almost drops her phone. While the thought of the future emperor of the Adrestian Empire chopping off the head of the man that had inflicted all this pain sounded great, the damage had already been inflicted. Just the idea alone gave him just that little bit more power.

"It's alrig-" Bernadetta remarked, the sound of a fist slamming down following that. Perhaps that was Hubert. She didn't like him. Always scheming, usually one step behind his mistress.

"Perhaps we should dress him like the housewife he so haphazardly desires."

Bernadetta's grip on her phone failed and the device fell onto the bed. Scooping it back up, she held it back up to her ear.

"Uh… thanks?" she whispered, Hubert mumbling a 'you're welcome'. The call ends right after, blissful sleep awaiting Bernadetta.

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Notes:

Welcome to the first chapter of Broken Bernadetta: Please Hug. Due to the irregular posting schedule of this fic, it is recommended that you do follow this. Though I will try and give a head's up when you need to switch over from the regular Princess!Byleth stuff.

Anytime that Bernadetta goes 50's wife is referred to as a 'housewife moment' going forward. As for how often the more milder moments happen, it's quite often. In a 'previous' log (Fly Like an Eagle), we have the outcome of one such moment.

Outside of that, I keep expecting Three Houses to be setting up a Piranha Plant joke in Bernadetta's love for carnivorous plants.

Back in our regularly scheduled Princess!Byleth fic, we have our first free time. Oh joy.


	2. Bernadetta's Story

I don't own fire emblem.

Summary: The horrors of Bernadetta's home life, within the confines of an M-rating.

The following does contain mention of rape, incest and misogyny. You have been warned.

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**Log 16: Bernadetta's Story**

Even mid-drone flight, Bernadetta already knew the incoming questions. Kind of went without saying after her whole beyblade outburst. She had hoped that Edelgard explanation was good enough. But some people wanted to hear it directly from the horse's mouth.

"I'm willing to talk." she whispered, Byleth being caught by complete surprise. While sure, the thought of that had come to her while exiting the classroom. But her plan involved going somewhere a lot more private. "Unless… you don't want to?"

Byleth took a deep breath. Turning to Dorothea, she found herself getting a nod.

"Okay." the professor remarked, the trio landing right after. Taking a deep breath, she let a hand grab hold of one of Dorothea's. "Can you tell me about yourself?"

Bernadetta nodded.

.

A girl swings about on a playground, a maid ever vigilant. The girl probably shouldn't need any supervision at this age. But that's what her father wants. Disobey, and they throw you right through the grinder again. Where no one comes back right.

Such moments should be filled with happiness and joy. But there isn't any here. Because right across the street in the large mansion, her parents are arguing. The maid's partner stands over there, hoping to god that this nightmare will just end and some kind of happy dream will take it's place. But such fantasies come to die in Varley Territory.

"Do you think they'll stop arguing?"

The maid can only wish she could answer that question. Kind of hard to do when someone has gone out of their way to remove your vocal cords. Nonetheless, she continues swinging her young mistress.

The hand signals alone are more than enough. The swinging comes to a stop.

"What about my friend? The boy?"

The maid just looked away. Even if the words could be said, there wasn't any way to break such a message to someone so small. Or that said person was not quite all the way. Taking hold of the girl's hand, they head back for the mansion.

"Do we have to? I thought I had been a good girl!"

The maid has only pity for the child. Not many could survive the horrors she had been through. All this, for a wife. A wife whom the maid could never know. Possibly for the girl's father. Wouldn't really surprise her.

Nonetheless, she twisted the knob of the door and pulled it open. Inside, the whole place looked like someone's weird fever dream of a home from the 50's and 60's. Cobalt blue proudly emblazoned the walls, with an avocado floor to boot. Just… yuck.

"A shame _a man _needs to make all the decisions."

None of the women in the room say a word. It doesn't matter in this moment. 'He' may have won this battle, but not this war. The time would come soon enough. But right now, they were on his schedule. Which meant it was time for more lessons for the girl on how to be a good wife. Whatever that meant.

"Today, you're going to learn how to please a man."

Holding the girl down, he began to tie her up to a chair. Neither the woman or the maids act. They knew the punishment. It was never worth it. No matter the situation.

The man unzipped his pants and I think you can very much see where this is going. No person deserves this treatment. Period. What a miserable piece of trash. All you need to know is that the girl definitely ain't a virgin. Definitely not for a long time in her younger. Of age, my ass. Incestuous piece of garbage in human form. I hope those maids take his ass and an-

Mozu here. Nyx needed a break. Yes, she's my wife. I love her lots and lots, especially when she reads me one of her books. Oh. I got off track.

That all changed one particular night.

Under the cover of a storm, the woman and two of the maids got to work. Slip a little something into the man's drink, then get to work bagging the girl. Which she didn't seem to notice.

"This is for your own good, dear." the woman explained, the girl slumbering peacefully. "I wish that I could see you one more time. Your father won't let me though."

Tying the bag off, she handed it over to the maids. Tears rolling down her face, she knows her fate has been sealed.

.

Phew. We're at the library.

"Are you alright, Miss Eisner, Miss Arnault?" Bernadetta remarked, finding her two companions throwing up at the moment. "Oh good. You weren't going full-on lesbian on me for the moment."

Byleth took a deep breath, collecting her bile for the future moment when they could find a trash can.

"Don't you have a girlfriend?" Dorothea remarked, handing off her bile bag to her girlfriend. Then it's back to Bernadetta.

"Yeah… It's odd. Ms. Hsrvelg is a strange woman." Berndetta continued, looking away as they headed for the library. "She listens to me, takes in any cakes I make when I panic…"

Dorothea turned to Byleth.

"I think she means cakes she bakes while panicking." Byleth whispered, getting a nod in return. Well, she hoped that was the case. Would kind of suck if it was something other than that. Though when Nyx wants to blow off steam, she dresses up in that witch garb or one of her big poofy dresses. Kind of like right now. Aw… Say Cheese!

Oops. I got off track.

"Bernadetta, thank you for telling me."

The archer looked away, emotions back to normal. More or less. The memories still remain, ready to haunt later down the road.

"Yeah…"

Inside, the library looked mostly abandoned. You would think that the librarian would be there.

"You know what books you need?" Dorothea remarked, getting a nod from her teacher. Walking over to a computer, she typed in the titles and waited a couple seconds. Okay, make that a couple minutes.

"Stupid thing." Byleth muttered, giving it a slight tap. Almost in response to that action, the paper shot out. "There we go."

It didn't take them the trio that long to get the books in question. No signs of the librarian though. So they did the natural thing in this situation. Grab the books and head on back. So you can imagine their surprise when they got back to the classroom and found the entire classroom leveled in the process.

"Edie?" Dorothea called out, watching the house leader poke her head out.

"Funny story."

* * *

Notes:

So yeah. This is probably one of the most fucked up parts of the Princess!Byleth AU.

On a happier note, Nyx is another one of my favorite characters from Fates. Though, it's kind of a tie between her and Beruka.

Next Time: The 'funny' story behind what happened to the classrooms.


	3. Soup for Edelgard

I don't own fire emblem.

Summary: Bernadetta makes soup. A certain someone tries their best to hinder that.

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**Log 33: Soup for Edelgard**

Bernadetta looked about.

She was not usually one to cook. That was something that was best left up to the maids or the chefs. But with Edelgard sick at the moment, she was going to need to step up and do her part. Which meant making soup for her.

"I can do this." she thought and peeked out from her door. The cafeteria should be empty for the moment, Raphael and Caspar having already eaten their latest round of snacks. Hopefully. "Here goes nothing."

Exiting her room, the archer made a full-on dash for her destination. It's not even going anywhere. If it is, then you'll need to tell at the person who moved it. Yes, some of the people in Corrin's army have no right to be cooking. But that doesn't mean you need to move the canteen every time Effie is going for fourths. Not that it was helped by that fucking dragon thing getting nearly all the food. Why can't we send her to ba-

According to my wife, she was what powered that strange realm. That's uh… good to know. Wait. That just begs even more questions. Were we just eating parts of her the entire time we were in that strange town? Please tell me that isn't the case.

Back with Bernadetta, she was just reaching the cafeteria. Whole place was a ghost town, not counting the staff of course.

"How may I help you, Miss Varley?" one of the old ladies inquired, getting a head shake in return.

"I think I got this." Bernadetta answered, phone coming out. If her memory was serving her correctly, she should have a recipe saved. Sliding right across her Edelgard-themed background (something the archer would need to thank Hubert for), the picture appeared before her. Along with a notification.

_Wish dad 'happy birthday' _

The color exited Bernadetta's face. Of course something as bad as this needed to happen. It just couldn't be her girlfriend getting sick. No, she needed to call her father and get absolutely destroyed by him. Because of course he didn't have anything nice to say about her, her relationship with Edelgard and women in general. Taking a seat at one of the tables, she began dialing.

One ring. That's perfectly normal. I can't think of any times when someone has picked up first ring. Guess you would need a real fancy phone for that.

Two rings. Maybe he's just busy. There's all sorts of reasons that he hadn't picked up. Right? Maybe Count Varley is engaging in activities that clearly go against one of his maid's sexual identity. Okay. I wouldn't be surprised if he had done that just before taking this. Guy sounds like a complete and utter shit bag of a human being.

Three rings. This better be fucking good. Especially after having to dictate down all those nightmares and shit. Seriously, I'm surprised he hasn't gone further. Like seriously, hunt her down and make her his. Though, that would probably get him smashed into a million pieces by the various armies

"_Too explicit of a greeting for FFnet_" the voice on the other end muttered, the sound of a slap following. Oh dear. This isn't going to be one of those nice phone calls is it. Actually, that was probably asking too much.

"Happy birthday, dad." Bernadetta muttered, flipping the phone off in the process. "Are you hap-

"L_ine too homophobic for FFnet. We are terribly sorry_"

Slipping her phone into its pocket, the archer made her way over to the pantry. Pulling out some chicken (it was sitting on a magical ice cube, so totally sanitary), celery and some carrots. Can't forget about the large cast-iron pot. Filling it up, she carefully set it on the stove.

"Father, you're nothing but a barbaric incubus in human clothing." our archer continued, somehow getting her point through her father's continued ranting. He's one of those people, isn't he? Absolutely toxic and unwilling to let go of the fact that a person could be a homosexual. Let alone their own daughter. Garon threw a fit when he heard Camilla came out and announced her engagement to both her retainers. Even got the blessing of Selena's mom (somehow) along with Selena herself (but that's a story for another time). Though, there was something hilarious about seeing Beruka in a wedding gown. Oops. I got off-topic. For the moment, Bernadetta looks to be searching for a knife. Pulling a drawer open, an aggressive bluebird flew on out. Uh… okay. Not sure who the fuck stuffs a bird into a drawer. That's animal cruelty!

"Sorry about that." one of the old ladies remarked, handing the archer a knife from the drawer. "One of the golden deer has a habit of taking knives and leaving them all bloodied. The bird has been the only way we've been able to keep her in check."

Bernadetta nodded and set the chicken on the conveniently placed chopping block. She had seen plenty of cooking TV shows showing chefs breaking down such a bird. Though, her plan involved at least the parts not used for the soup for other stuff that the kitchen staff might want to do. Things that I can't quite think of at the moment. Maybe chicken strips? Dang. That sounds amazing at the moment.

"_Something Something too explicit and/or homophobic_" Count Varley screeched, his daughter trying her best to not stab the phone with the large knife.

"Of course…" Bernadetta muttered, frustration out in full force at the moment. There was nothing that she could say at the moment that would less the stream she was forced to endure.

Not wanting to give her girlfriend food poisoning, she set the now cut poultry in a pan and set that on the stove as well. Then it was time to chop the rest of our ingredients. "Maids, he's yours."

I don't think they heard you. If they did, not entirely sure what they could do about that particular order. Dress him as slutty as possible, maybe even make sure that he no longer can quite... what's the word? Oh yeah. Reproduce. An awfully lofty goal that will probably take some time.

Dumping the cut veggies into the pot, the chicken followed right after.

"Here goes nothing."

Stirring it about, Bernadetta realized that she had forgotten the most important ingredient of all - an actual stock.

"Crap." the archer thought, her father still ranting. Pulling her phone back out and swiping right, she looked at the photo one more point. "She forgot the stock as well."

Heading back to the pantry, Bernadetta grabbed some pepper. That might help.

"_Explicit declaration of slander not welcome on FFnet_"

He's still fucking going? Like seriously, dude. Calm down. It's hard enough having to listen to this shit and commentate, could you at least keep it PG. I know you can't hear me, but I can't keep this up forever.

Yet, Bernadetta threw the pepper in and gave it one more stir. Carefully, she ladled some into two bowls. Her father still hadn't shut his stupid shitty gob. Because why the fuck would he?

"Thank you for letting me use the kitchen." she explained, getting a nod from the old lady as she exited the kitchen by drone. Guess she remembered that this whole fast travel network was a thing. Oops? But when you're constantly assaulted by a man who's idea of a 'marriage' has refused to change with the times it's easy to get caught up in that mess. "Edelgard! I brought you some soup!"

The door opened up, revealing a slightly better Edelgard for the moment. That cold still looked to have got her though. Which is never good.

"Thank you, Bernadetta." Edelgard explained and let her girlfriend in. Setting the bowls down on the bed (not the best place), a hug followed. "Let me guess, your dad is still talking to you?"

Bernadetta nodded, digging her phone back out. Handing it over to the house leader, the mumble of something followed. Then…

"If you keep talking like that to your daughter, I'll make sure you have no budget." Edelgard threatened, hanging up right after. "Now, let's eat."

.

A maid heads for the door, knife in hand.

An order was an order. No matter if the mouth it had come from was god knows how many miles away.

"_Response too dirty for FFnet_"

Contrary to what cats in online stories tell you, some secret moves are a lot harder than they make it look. But no matter. The deed was done.

* * *

Notes:

Due to rules in place on Explicit content, everything that comes out of Count Varley's mouth had to be censored. Just in case.

Next Time: Edelgard goes to see Byleth and tells her stories. Part of it at least.


	4. Hell of a Dream

I don't own fire emblem.

Summary: In which Bernadetta faces down her demons and finds her way back to friends. Also, kissing.

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**Log 48: Hell of a Dream**

Once more, she finds herself back here.

In between the stress of this whole maid cafe and her father planning to invade her one safe haven to kidnap her back (which was likely to start a war between the empire and the Church), anything was better than this. Add in the strange man coming her way, this was inevitable.

The destruction caused by that demon still remains in this tiny room. But were not in there now. Yet, why does it feel so trapping for the moment?

Right outside, what looks to be a table has been set down with two chairs. On one side, we have ourselves the definition of 'housewife'. You know, the traditional beehive done up all nice, pinafore decorated with a nice floral pattern and who could forget! The heels with padlocks on them. Can't be a housewife if any of your clothes aren't locked together. Just a faker.

The other end is manned by a girl dressed in a purple maid outfit. There is nothing in the way of padlocks on her outfit. Except for one around her neck. Ironically, the key of which hangs right beside it. Doesn't explain why she has a knife poking out through the skirt of the outfit.

"So, how are you?" the 'housewife' greeted, the other girl looking away. "What? Do you prefer it when he shows up?"

The other girl doesn't answer, the shattered and charred remain pieces of her bow getting scooped up into her hands. It ain't much, but there was a start.

"You ordered a maid to castrate him!" the girl screeched and smashed her free hand into the table. The 'sound' echoes about, calling about to whatever's left of their previous guest. Though now, that could be said to be her now. "Yes, he deserved it. But that doesn't mean you should've done it!"

The housewife rolls her eyes and lets out a sigh. As protective as she may be, there was only so much she could do. She was at the breaking point and anything here would break this fragile balance they had. But maybe with the right push, progress could be made. Maybe. Or perhaps they would have a repeat of what happened last month.

"He was bound to go after us eventually." she continues, gaze on the remains of their prized weapon. Not much that they could do with that now. They probably had some tape at some point. But after that rampage, she doesn't want to return to that place. Nothing good in there. Never has been, never will be.

"(Some form of greeting and fucked up want)"

Speak of the devil. What looked to be a hand emerged from the rubble, the rest of the body ready to pounce forth and drag this dream even deeper into hell. Not that there wasn't much deeper in such a place one could go.

Yet, the girl turns to her other part. But all she gets is an eye roll. By no means helpful here, her focus turns to the knife embedded in her leg. Grabbing hold of the weapon, she pulls it out. Pain shot through her body, a reminder of her past fuckup. This time, she would get up close. It was the only solution that would work here.

Standing up from the table, the girl turns to the hand. Making her way over, a single swing is all it takes. Or would've, if this was just the hand we were worrying about here. No, the rest of the body shot out from the rubble and grabbed the girl by the neck. Twisted and gnarled, fear and hate were the only thing holding it together.

"(Various sounds of continuing the patriarchy)" the body screeches, smashing the girl into the ground. "(Even more sounds without any taste or flavor)"

The girl doesn't even look to him. Instead, her gaze sits firmly on the ground. Chains erupt from the ground, grabbing hold of the lock and snapping hold. Not that it stops her leg from kicking at his stomach. But her legs don't quite reach the target.

"(Misogynistic taunt)" the body shouts, attention turning to the housewife. A lick of the lips follows. "(Veiled threat that's empty)"

Neither woman responds. The girl can only watch as this body makes a beeline for her other part. It's over. There's nothing they can do at this point to change what is about to go down.

Ringing.

Unnatural, almost near ear-piercing ringing. For a place surrounded by 'abyss' and nothingness, it's almost too loud. The world becomes blurry, light piercing through…

.

Bernadetta's eyes spring open.

Small wooden walls surround her, with what looked to be a cabinet door leading out. The hole it's now sporting is definitely going to go over real well with the kitchen staff.

But that was the least of the archer's worries. No, her gaze was on the source of the sound that had broken through her hellish nightmare - her phone. Stilling ringing for the moment, Edelgard's name bouncing about her head.

"I can do this." Bernadetta thought, picking the device up and sliding the green phone symbol. "Edelgard?"

Silence. The archer looked about, scooting herself out from the cabinet she had been taking refuge in. None of the kitchen staff had started their shift quite yet, which made this all the more weirder. Edelgard should've picked up. This had to be some twisted nightmare within a nightm-

"I'm here, Bernadetta." Edelgard finally announced, Bernadetta letting out a sigh of relief. A shining light in a sea of darkness, "I am at Byleth's. Do you think you can come my way? There's a whole bunch of people who wish to see you."

Even though the house leader couldn't see it, Bernadetta still nodded.

"I will." she answered and ended her call. Right after, she took the time to pull out her map. Or would've, if she actually had her map on her. Wait. Did people actually grab their clothes after trying on those maid dresses? Edelgard must have, but I can't say the same about the rest of them. Bernadetta notwithstanding, of course. Even if this doesn't explain how her phone got back to her.

With that option no longer available, the archer went with the other method available to her for the moment walking. Nowhere near as efficient as taking a drone, this would do. The apartments weren't that far, especially after the isolation in the cabinet. The jog that followed was quite quick, even by the archer's standards. Yet, her mind was not on that for the moment. No, she was pondering who exactly would want to see her. Sure, there was her classmates, but did they really count here? It was definitely not her mother. She had not heard a peep from her since arriving at Gareg Mach. Considering what Count Varley does to his maids on a daily basis, her fate is not looking too good. If she's not some empty-headed bimbo, we'll have ourselves a dead body. But that's beyond the point.

Taking the stairs two at a time, anxiety and dread surged through Bernadetta's body. At any moment, this moment could become a complete nightmare. Worse yet, she could have a housewife moment. When you're on the stairs, that's less than ideal. But she pushed on through, her destination coming into view. No one looked to be there, which considering that there was a major commotion earlier, guess that means everyone taking this as a chance for a day off. Kind of envy them. Any time that's Bernadetta majorly involved absolutely drains me. Takes a different kind of energy to get through this than say, all the other non-awful parts of these people. Sorry if that doesn't make much sense. I'm sincerely hoping that this is the last of these parts I have to do today. I digress.

Reaching the top of the stairs, Bernadetta made the short walk over to Byleth's apartment.

"Here I am." the archer announced and poked her head in. She didn't get too far, getting piled on by maids at the moment.

"Countess!"

"Countess!"

"Countess!"

Pushing up from the pile, Bernadetta gazed about the room. Along with Edelgard, we have the rest of the Black Eagles in attendance. No sign of either Lysithea and/or Manuela. Not that this is the end of the world.

"They just got here." Byleth explained, getting a look from the archer. "Though, I'm not sure about the whole 'countess' thing."

Then it's over to Edelgard.

"I'm fine with it if you are." she explained, Bernadetta walking over. Oh dear. I think we have a housewife moment.

"Make it official then, Mrs Hresvelg." Bernadetta answered and got what looked to be a nod. Would be threatening, if not for the fact that a couple of the maids were pushing them together. "Fine."

As 'first' kisses go, I've seen better. Always a second time though... ;)

Notes:

So yeah. Home stretch for this chapter of the story.

.

Next Time: Last minute preparations on Catherine's part.


	5. Won't Back Down

I don't own fire emblem.

Summary: Count Varley gets his just deserts.

* * *

**Log 51: Won't Back Down**

While that mess of a 'Cafe' occurred with Byleth and the Black Eagles, our attention turns to the rest of Gareg Mach.

More specifically, we come to the main gathering spot in this school - the mess hall. Or cafeteria if you're not in some kind of army or something. At the moment, love is in the air.

"Want to go out on a da-" Sylvain started, the thrust of a spear coming far too close for comfort bringing an end to this age-old question from our flirt. "A 'no' would work just as well here."

The person in question getting asked out pulled their spear out of the floor, gaze shifting (reluctantly) back to Sylvain.

"You don't quite get the message otherwise." they answered, spear getting hung back to their side for the moment. But Sylvain wasn't listening for the moment. No, his focus was on the outside of the mess hall. While peaceful for the moment, that was unlikely to stay.

"Urgent message! Urgent message!" a voice screamed out, what looked to be a scout charging head-on into the building. Out of breath and bleeding, it's unlikely he'll make it through to see another day.

"Of what?" Dimitri announced and got up from his seat. Claude was right behind, giving the Blue Lion's house leader a little space. Just enough to get off a shot should things go south.

"Count Varley! He's marching right for Gareg Mach to take it." the scout croaked out, blood exiting his mouth after speaking. That ain't good. "You gotta… stop him. He'll take every last one of your virginity. "

Collapsing to the ground, our heroes turn their attention to each other. As big of a surprise this may possibly be for them, none of them actually knew who this 'Count Varley' person was in the first place. Fair enough, it's not as if the surrounding territories sent people to introduce how they were unless we're counting students in this same boat. I wouldn't. Though, one would assume the expectation is that you don't invade Gareg Mach.

So Claude turned his attention to his fellow house leader. While it would be better to have Edelgard and the Black Eagles here as well, they were out on a mission. A supposedly very important mission with orders directly from Rhea herself or something. Too late to abort that.

"How do you want to do this?" Claude whispered, his companion scanning the room. Currently, a majority of the Golden Deer and Blue Lions houses were here. The few that weren't were 'hopefully' nearby. But that didn't account for the other teachers and faculty.

"I'll go warn Seteth and grab any stragglers." Dimitri answered, Claude nodding. His attention turned to his fellow classmates, smile forming on his face.

"You heard the man! I'm in charge." Claude announced and was already sieged by another set of eyes - they came from the head of a purple-haired guy. What was his name again? Right, Lorenz. Always announcing his name like he was some kind of Ferdinand von Aegir wannabe. Though, Ferdinand's hair wasn't as nice as Lorenz's. Even smelled like a mix of lilacs and roses. Always a plus in his book. "Let me guess, Lorenz. You object to my leadership capabilities?"

Lorenz stood up, clearing his throat in the process.

"Of course." he answered, gaze fixed on Claude. Of course Dimtri would go with him of all people. Why couldn't he see that he Lorenz von Gloucester was a far more capable at leading both the commoners and nobles into battle against a fellow noble. Not this sniveling brat. If he didn't have that fancy crest and name, "Unless you have a scheme for times such as this, I've already formulated a plan on how to deal with this… 'Count Varley' character."

Claude rolled his eyes.

"Then tell me your plan then." Claude countered, notebook coming out. A pencil is right behind. Oh dear. This is going to get ugly.

"We release all of our horses and wyverns as a distraction. Then have our best fighters hold the front line while we get our mages in position - especially Lysithea…"

Upon saying her name, silence fell over the mess hall. With Jeritza's death, no one had seen the little mage. Someone was getting her food. But who exactly remained unknown at the moment. Even their teacher - Manuela, had somehow been even less consistent in this last week alone than she had in the last couple months they had her as their teacher. Which meant classes with Bartholomew of all people. It's a little bizarre getting your lessons taught at the stables from a wyvern that can speak your language. But that's beyond the point.

"Anything else?" Claude continued, a glare looking to serve as Lorenz's initial response to the house leader's question.

"Once everyone is in position, we'll strike Count Varley down and hold him captive till someone from the Adrestiqn Empire can come and decide what to do with him." Lorenz finished, the sound of pencil echoing through with each word spoken. "Is that clear?"

Nods across the mess hall.

"Thanks, Lorenz." Claude announced and motioned for Dedue and Raphael to come over. "Can I trust you two to get all the horses, wyverns and other creatures out?"

Both students headed off, Lorenz resisting every urge in his body to lash out at the house leader.

"At least credit me for your plan." Lorenz muttered, Claude already exiting the mess hall. Everyone else monus him was following eight behind. Except Lorenz, of course.

.

Back with Dimitri, things were going… alright. Luck had been on his side for once, bringing the first straggler nearby.

He was expecting resistance, sure. The person in question was not the one the one he had hoped to find. They were second on that list to be exact. If nothing else, they could at least cut him some slack. You know, since there's an army coming this way and stuff.

But Felix just had to be difficult. That went without saying in regards to most activities. But this was on a whole different level at the moment. Sure, this could be the result of a lack of a proper breakfast. Well, that would be his first guess. As for what his second guess would be, that was some kind of personal issue related to Sylvain. That was much more complicated. He had meant to ask the flirt what was up with them. Or would've, had Count Varley decided that today was when he was going to come to invade the academy. It can wait. Especially as Felix made quick work of a training dummy.

"Come on, there's a whole bunch of people ready to be taken on." the house leader explained, Felix rolling his eyes. Are words too hard here? If they are, can I suggest texting? That works just as well in these situations. Or perhaps you can make various hand signals. The options are nearly endless. You just need to take that step. Or not, and remain with your vocal communication and it's antiquated methods.

"Why the hell should I help with this problem, boar?" Felix screeched, trying his best to not look at Dimitri. Why the hell did the future king of the Kingdom have to be so hot? Why couldn't be an ugly bugger who spent their time in the basement rather than a guy walking about like he came from one of those Dusney movies? And now he wanted him to go and take on a bunch of unsightly barbarians masquerading as supposed nobles? If this was something like an actual proper outing, sure. But no, Dimitri just had to walk up to him and be all like 'Felix, help me'. With that sort of delivery, no. He was just going to continue with his practice.

"I'll tell your dad that you're sorry for the things you've said to him." Dimitri countered, getting a look from his classmate. Rolling his eyes, he stuck out his tongue. A sigh followed. That threat was empty at best, at worst… pathetic.

"Felix?"

A hobo with dark blue hair approached, Felix already pointing his sword towards them. A dark green cloak covered his body, making the stupidly extravagant cloak even more of a tripping hazard. Like seriously, take that fucking thing off. You look silly. Like a clown. Yeah, a clown hobo.

"Rodrigue?" Dimitri called out, the hobo shifting his attention over to him. Did get a stink eye from Felix. Yet, he ignored it.

"I heard about Count Varley's attack."" Rodrigue announced, sword coming out and at the ready. "He will not be allowed on these grounds if me and my troops have anything to say ab-"

Felix went in for a slap. Kind of uncalled for at the moment. Especially with him coming all this way to help in fending off Count Varley. The least you can do is hear whatever he has to say. Oh, and not be an asshole. Simple and straightforward. Sadly, Azama couldn't learn that. I wouldn't call it a loss per a say, but still absolutely, totally 'tragic'.

"So now's the moment you decide to show your fucking face to everyone?!" Felix screamed, already winding up for a second strike on this 'noble' hobo. "Never for my birthdays, Christmas's and all the other events! But it's this. Some seige by some stupid piece of shit is the one fucking time you decide to show your stupid fucking face. Give me one good reason not to shishkebab you, dad!"

Rodrigue rolled his eyes.

"I'm not Gilbert." he answered, walking towards the front gate. Silence. Try as Felix might, the words just couldn't come to him. While he had hoped for a far better answer at the time, this felt… hollow. Like he had just blown off.

"I hope he gives you a fucking blowjob then!" Felix countered and headed off in that same direction.

.

Back over at the stables, Dedue and Raphael were already hard at work letting out the horses and pegasi.

"Have you worked with animals before?" Raphael inquired, Dedue giving his teammate a nod. While this was the first time working with the brute, he seemed nice enough. Whether it would stay that way remained to be seen.

"Mostly cattle in Duscur." Dedue answered, memories within surging forth. Within, he pushed it back. That rage could be saved for when that Count's troops arrived. Then, punching. Lots of punching. But for now, his focus was back on Raphael.

"It's alright if you don't want to talk about it." Raphael explained and got a nod from his companion. Walking over to the nearest gate, his fist met that of the lock. The lock didn't win that battle. Not one bit.

Horses and pegasi flooded out, confused by what the fuck was going on. Dedue followed suit, what looked to be a donkey of all creatures followed right. Which looked to be all the creatures here. Which just breaks

"Where are the wyverns?" Raphael announced, pointing to what one would assume to be the wyvern stables. Except it wasn't. "Bartholomew, where the heck are you? You owe me for those mozzarella sticks!"

Dedue looked over to his companion. While he heard of the recent Golden Deer party, he wasn't entirely sure why they would invite Bartholomew of all people. Sure, sometimes he got invited to parties. But the retainer had a sneaking suspicion that was so that Dimitri wouldn't have a tantrum. Though, it has been quite a long time since he had seen his highness actually cry. But that didn't matter at the moment. No, their focus needed to be on creating havoc as Count Varley approached. Would probably help if they had some clue on how close he was, but that's not something asked for lightly.

'I here!" Bartholomew announced, horse casually trotting over to the pair. "What can do for you?"

Raphael looked over to Dedue. Getting a shrug from his companion, our brute is right back to looking at Bartholomew.

"We need you to gather your friends and distract the incoming invaders." Raphael explained, getting a confused look in return. I would too if I was just asked to gather my friends and ask them to rush head-on towards the bad guys. "Could you do that for us?"

Bartholomew turned to his horse, whispering into its ear. The horse nodded and kicked the dirt. Not sure what that's supposed to mean. Then it's back over to Raphael and Dedue.

"Me do the best."

The horse shot off, the flapping of wings following. Both horse and wyvern ascended up into the air, shooting off towards the far edge of the academy.

.

No. We're not giving this fucker any chance to be in the spotlight. I get we're supposed to give everyone their chance in the sun and all, but he's probably going to go on about how no one understands him and that he deserves to fuck as many women he can get his semen-covered hands on. Seriously, is there anyone else we can go to for the moment that's not Count Varley?

Fine.

Count Varley was currently enjoying having his brains fucked out by what I can only assume to be some underaged woman. Actually expecting him to wait for them to become of age is too hard when you're dick is already in their personal space and engaging in acts of rape. No sugarcoating. That's what he is doing at this current moment. No sign of a wedding ring, even as the woman is flung out of the room. Fuck Count Varley.

Right after, what looked to be a soldier entered. Wait. Were in a vehicle of some sorts. Of course this fucker decides to arrive via vehicle. Because of course he does.

"Sir, we're nearing Gareg Mach." the grunt announced and Mr Varley sat his cum-covered groin up. Then it's time for pants. Because screw underwear for some reason.

"[Greeting of absolute filth]." that sick fuck announced and grabbed what looked to be a bow… with dildo arrows. Oh for fuck sake. Could you try to be subtle? Oh wait. That would be too fucking hard.

.

Back in the academy, we come upon Dimitri once more. This time, he's gone by drone to the second floor to find Rhea. Since you know, she was absolutely helpful with that whole maid cafe. Not.

"How may I help you?" Seteth inquired, looking up from the papers he was working on. Was kind of expecting coloring pages and not… actual documents. I know that shouldn't be a surprise and all, but nearly none of the management of Gareg Mach seems to make any sense.

"We're being invaded." Dimitri announced, Rhea poking her head over. Though, that doesn't explain why she was munching down on paper of all things. "Miss Rhea, are you… okay?"

Rhea nodded, gulping down her meal of possible documents. Or would those be written prayers? Maybe even blank paper.

"Of course, Prince Dimitri." Rhea answered and picked up what looked to be more papers. "I'm currently eating the prayers of Count Varley. Want some?"  
Uh… Are you entirely sure you should be doing that? Unless your paper has some actual nutrients in it, you're just going to make yourself sick. And for as much as we don't like you, that's the least that we want to see happen to you. We would rather something more climatic. I don't know, maybe you turn out to be related to Byleth in some strange, macabre way and she goes to battle against you. Something like that.

"I'll pass." Dimitri explained, pushing away the offered paper for the moment. Rhea accepted the gesture and stuffed it down. "Would you help us with repelling Count Varley?"

Rhea stopped mid-bite, what sounded like a muffled sigh exiting her lips. Gulping down her second meal, a chuckle followed.

"Maybe." she announced and got a look from Seteth. Yet, she just rolled her eyes and let what focus that was on display split itself between her subordinate and the house leader of the Blue Lions. "Should things truly go south, then maybe. Just maybe I'll help."

Upon hearing that, Seteth walked on out. No response back, just the sound of a whistle. Then a very confused wyvern flying on in. Via a drone of all things. Okay. That just begs so many questions. First off, where the heck did that wyvern get itself a drone. Secondly, just how much weight can those drones carry in the first place? And finally, why the fuck is this wyvern in particular allowed to fast travel?!

"Fa- Brother!" Flayn announced, charging right after. Of course, Rhea swooped in and grabbed her before she really had a chance to follow her 'brother'. Okay, wonder what kind of relationship those two have.

"I'll babysit her. How about that?" Rhea announced, getting what looks to be a reluctant nod from Dimitri. Which he also took as his cue to make his exit. But not without shooting Rhea one last glance. Just in case.

.

With that 'hopefully' out of the way, we turn to Lysithea of all people. Hard at work having a tea party, of course. A short reprieve in her childish as ever apartment. Not that this is a bad thing.

Since we've last checked in on the mage, she looked to be in better spirits. Not that this was saying much. Anything was perhaps better than the situation she was in earlier this month.

"Lysithea dear?" Manuela called out, her adopted daughter heading over. For as big as Lysithea's apartment was, the distance between rooms was small. Made things more intimate. Or something along those lines.

"Yes, mommy?" Lysithea called out, Manuela standing up. She walked over to her nightstand and picked up what looked to be a first aid kit. "I'm guessing you're going to need to go?"

Manuela nodded. Part of her wished that this didn't need to happen. But that was perhaps asking too much from the world.

"Yes, dear." the songstress explained and clipped the bag to her side. Looking back to Lysithea, she found the little mage already heading to her room. Sure, she had spent a good chunk of time in her apartment getting things in order with Manuela's help. In the meantime, there had been some practice with stones. Not much, but enough to show Lysithea that Manuela was way out of her element when it came to stones. Kind of expected when you consider the profession she came from and all.

Yet, that doesn't stop the little mage from slipping out of her currently infantile clothes and into her officer uniform. Still fit her, even after the couple rounds it went through via the washing machine.

"Mo- Manuela, why are there two maid dresses in my closet?" she called out, Manuela making her way in. Examining the contents of the closet, she did a double take. Phone coming out, the beep for text messages following.

"It doesn't matter for the moment, dear." Manuela muttered, picking up what looked like a sword. Hanging it opposite of her bag, her gaze returned to Lysithea. "Is there anything else you need to grab, dear?"

Lysithea shook her head, digging out a stone from her own pouch. Hopefully she has enough for this coming battle. If not, improvise.

Heading back towards the front, our pair was treated to knocking of all sounds. Manuela grabbed the doorknob and pulled it open. There we find Claude, waiting patiently.

"There you are." he muttered, Lysithea moving away from their adopted mother. "Oh. Did something happen since I've last seen both of you?"

"Yes." Manuela answered and took a deep breath. She wasn't quite sure how much information could be disclosed at this very moment. Especially with Claude's tendency to create more trouble on the back end when he came into possession of info - juicy or not. "We will discuss it after Count Varley is dealt with."

Claude nodded, Manuela muttering something under her breath.

"I'm guessing you know him? Claude continued, getting a nod from the songstress. Exiting the apartment, they began the descent down. "I may have punched him one time for touching one of the girls. Last I heard, he's banned from even coming onto the Opera House's perimeter."

Oh my. Is it wrong to totally be able to see that? Good to see you're in agreement with me, dear.

.

As everyone else prepares for the coming arrival of Count Varley, we turn temporarily to the Black Eagles. Still in Mercedes's minivan, there was some good news to be found.

"Delivery for one Mr Hubert Vestra." a courier announced, trying their best to get the package through the small window of the vehicle. While on a motorcycle. That's currently running no less. Would it have been too hard for Mercedes to just stop the vehicle in order for Hubert to get his package?

"Thank you." Hubert remarked, taking the package off this guy's hands. Closing the window, he turned to Ferdinand. Handing the box over, the dark mage watched his boyfriend open the package up. Inside, we find a very, very long fake dick. You could use that thing as a whip. Not that one should such a gag sex toy for that purpose. Sort of like that one time that Saizo got Ryoma a dildo. It wasn't even that big of one, supposedly as a joke. But considering the rumor going around was that thing was bigger than his actual dick, I wouldn't be surprised if there was something going on between the two of them.

"Good thing this got here in time." Ferdinand remarked, a deep breath following his statement. While there was the temptation of sending a picture of the gag dick to his father, he could wait. That, and the picture wouldn't look so good. You need to wait till you've actually got the guy and you're slapping him with the thing. That's the perfect picture.

"Wonder why your dad wanted you to beat up Count Varley with his own dick?" Caspar remarked, getting a look from most of the occupants in the car. Fair enough. This was kind of kept a secret between the men. Still, it's a weird request. Especially if the person you're asking is also your son.

"Humiliation, probably." Linhardt chimed in, Anna's truck coming up right beside our minivan. As tempting as it might be to get your we-

Crawling over a couple of students, Catherine made her way over to the van's door. Trying to pull it back, the retainer found herself out of luck. So she went for the next best thing - just pressing the switch that unlocked the door. Grabbing hold of the handle, Catherine pulled it open.

"Catherine!" Mercedes screeched, trying her hardest not to crash her vehicle as a result of Catherine's stunt. Even then, you're running the risk of missing your target and getting dumped onto the road to get run over by a car unable to react. Thankfully this wasn't the case - the retainer landing safely in the bed of the truck.

"Can I have this magical weapon of mine repaired?" Catherine called out, Anna casually jumping out of the front and into the back of her vehicle. What the fuck over? That can't be legal, but there's nothing we can do about that.

.

Back at Gareg Mach, Count Varley had finally gotten his fucks together. And by that, I mean he was actually armed and was ready to kill everyone who dared to get in his way. Bringing up a megaphone, he took a deep breath. There were no take backs when it came to this. His wife would pay for sending their daughter to this wretched place. Sure, he may have been a student of this wretched place at one point. But he had made the 'better' choice of getting discharged and showed any and all women their proper place.

Quite sad that no one in Fodlan has invented catapults or has one of those Ballistican. They could make short work of this complete assfuck and we can be done with him. Well, I wish it was at least. Wouldn't be much of a story then.

"[Misogynstic threat of violence]" Count Varley announced, the sound of stones and arrows drowning out his shitty words for the moment. Throwing the megaphone down, he went for the bow and it's stupid arrows. "[Stupid sounding sigh]."

Charging forward, he took his sweet time to notch an arrow back. Watching it fly forward, it collides with a shield. Then what looks like a flurry of arrows. Nothing special done to them. They actually look like they work, unlike shithead here. Like seriously, what possesses you to shoot dildo-tipped arrows?

Animals rampage about, wyverns swooping down to get a piece of the incoming threat. The gates to the front close and our sole gatekeeper stands vigilant. Feel kind of bad for him. The first line of defense for Gareg Mach, even more so as the students and everyone else gets into position.

"[Shouting]" Count Varley announced as he approached and got a fist to the face. Following that, what looked to be a rod of a spear slammed into the stomach. "Wait. I know you."

The Gatekeeper rolled his eyes. Even if this man somehow did, he had been standing guard of this door far longer than this fucker had been ruled of that territory. Long having lost track of the number of faces he had seen come right through. But closing his eyes for the briefest of moments, nothing seemed to come through. But considering how many different unique faces he was

"Maybe you do." he announced, gauntlet-clad hand smashing into Varley's face once more. "I'm fairly certain you thought of yourself as quite the hot shit back into the day. Let me tell ya, you absolutely weren't then and you aren't now."

Count Varley crumpled to the ground, what looked to be cuffs getting slapped on. Wasn't expecting the gatekeeper of all people to be the one to put this fucker down. Kind of makes all those preparations useless now. Or maybe not.

* * *

Notes:

So yeah, this is the longest single entry in Princess!Byleth so far. Not that is a bad thing.

.

Next Time: We have something that needs to be wiped off the face of the earth.


	6. Housewife California

I don't own fire emblem.

Summary: In which a promise is fulfilled. Simple as that.

* * *

**Log 52: Housewife California**

Wifey was quite confused for the moment. Their head hurt and what looked to be a large bruise on their head. Even then, their last memory was of standing in Gareg Mach. Why were they laying down in some stranger's bed, presumably not anywhere near the academy. Reminds them of home to some extent. But there was something different about this. Something forgotten, so major to Wifey that their very being had changed by the removal of this one thing. But what had it been? Try as Wifey might, the answer eluded them. It couldn't be the idea of children. Wifey could vividly remember their sole daughter and how proud they were of the person they could possibly become. The finer details elude the in this moment, their idea of what their daughter looks like no closer to the actual thing than someone's imagination of such a person in that moment.

"Wakey, wakey."

Looking to their left, a beautiful woman lays right beside them. Pulled right from the fantasy books, Venus herself had come down from whatever plane she had been hiding in and returned to grace Wifey with their presence. As honored as Wifey was at the moment, that doesn't explain why this woman chose them of all people. There had to be far better people to visit than… them. Nonetheless, they let their focus shift to the woman. Something about them seemed so familiar to Wifey, but the answer eluded them much like everything else here.

"Hello?" Wifey greets, a chuckle serving as the woman's response. The scene shifted, a coffin forming around them. Spikes pierce through their skin and everything goes white.

.

Count Varley's eyes slid open.

"Let me out, you sick fucks!" he screeched, what looked to be the massive dick slamming into his body. For the moment, we find ourselves in a dark room. Probably somewhere secretive where such 'nefarious' deeds can go unpunished. Or perhaps not and this is all for show.

"Good morning, succubus." a voice cooed, our disgraced count facing down his own daughter. My, how the tables have turned. Only a matter of time for that to happen. "You're probably wondering where you are. That doesn't matter."

Count Varley reached out, what looked to be both a sword from Petra and a whip from Mercedes coming right out. Definitely don't want to do that.

"What? You're not going to touch her after everything you've committed." Beenadetta continued, Edelgard walking up beside her. Axe in hand, she looked more than ready to end this with an 'off with his head'. Or something along those lines.

"My friends will come save me, then." Count Varley screeched, shaking about his confines. But try as he might, his bindings refused to give. Even if they somehow would, there was little that he could actually do. It was likely that Bernadetta's friends would just hold him down and do something with him. But those were chances he was more th-

"I highly doubt that." Caspar of all people announced, fishing his phone out from his top. Sliding right, he tapped something on the screen.

"If you're hearing this, Mr Varley, I'm not getting you out of this mess. Better yet, my wife and I would prefer for you to just stick to that manor of yours and never leave." the voice of Mr Bergliez announced, Count Varley's gaze shifting to the ground. Another defeat. One more blow that he should've seen coming from a mile away. Alas, hindsight is 20/20.

"Isn't that a shame." Bernadetta cooed and let her gaze return to her father. So many questions that should be asked, but no time to really ask them. If anything, the answers weren't worth it. Probably be something along the lines of 'you deserved it' or 'because your mother was a whore'. Truly wonderful shit from a man who thinks child rape is something that should be legal and readily available. Makes one wonder who his descendants were. Beyond the point. "If you really wanted that 50's housewife, you should've just asked. Someone would have been willing to make your wish come true."

Count Varley glared her way. He wasn't sure what had gotten into his daughter at the moment. A completely different person in this moment. Yet, he could see his handiwork. The belittling, the misleading and of course, the scars of ropes. Can't forget about that. He made his bed, now it was time to rest.

"Any last words?" Edelgard announced, Count Varley spitting onto the ground. "Good. Where you're going, there is no waking up."

.

Wifey was afraid.

For starters, everything was dark. They were secured to something, but what that device was remains a mystery to them. Better yet, what did they do to be held down? Wifey was a good wife. They made mistakes, sure. But nothing that wouldn't be out of the ordinary for a housewife. Or perhaps that was why they had her tied up. Both a dream and a nightmare.

"It's been a while, dear." a voice announces, spotlight shining off in the distance. Wifey looks out that way, coming upon a woman. Not as pretty of a sight to behold as the woman from earlier, a sense of familiarity came over Wifey. Couldn't place where or why they held a memory of this person. "If you can't remember, let me fill you in."

Pain. Bodily and mental, every part of their body hurt like hell. Not even death or one of its many counterparts refused to end it for Wifey. No, they were watching on to see what Wifey does next. Nothing at this moment. Quite boring.

But eventually, the woman got closer. And closer. Eventually, she and Wifey were face-to-face. Her scars glow in the spotlight, reminders now forgotten. Much like everything else that Wifey should remember.

"Such a shame I'm going to put this knife in a place that it doesn't go." the woman announces, Wifey looking at her. Still bound to this infernal device, they can see where this is going. "All the chances in the world. But what do you do? You waste it all for nothing."

The knife pierces through Wifey's skin, the world around them swirling and twisting about. The restraints disappear and Wifey collapses to the ground. People approach them, a sign hanging above.

Housewife California

You can check in, but you sure as fuck can't check out.

* * *

Notes:

Not much to say really say here. We'll get to Wifey some other day.

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Next Time: Onward to chapter 5. Yes, really.


End file.
